What should I do?

[LindyLoo]

Thanks Evin
I feel so relieved knowing what I'm going to buy now. I think its a good idea just to have initials on the lighters. I feel impolite by asking my boyfriend questions about his house, like do you have a bath etc.... I don't want him to think I'm questioning whether his house & standard of living is good enough for me. I'm sure he would be more than happy to answer these things for me, but I rather find them out for myself.
Bye.....

[AlbaSaab]

Hi AlbaSaab
I want to marry him because I love him very much, there's something very special to me about him, something I've never found in any previous relationships. We clicked instantly. It's just that Kurdish families have such a big influence on each others decisions, they seem to need each others blessing in their lifes. Its something I need to get used to as I don't have a close relationship with my mother & my father ran off when I was a baby, I've never met him. So I've never had seek my parents blessing for anything. I've never asked him if he had to choose, what he would do, I don't think that would be fair. I think it would be like taking a fish away from water, eventually it will die.
Bye..........for now.

Ah! I see. Well, I hope everything goes well, and wish you happiness. xxx

[Jamo]

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

about how to dress, try your dress not be Un-Islamic (no need to wear scarf but cover your onarments...) that would make you more acceptable
when you see stranger men , dont hand with them...just say hello .
it is not nice to luagh louadly when there are stranger men in the room.

Re. clothes, I wore pretty much what I'd wear here but then I don't do mini-skirts and plunging necklines anyway, so I was OK. Trousers were fine, but I made sure I wore them with a long shirt/blouse and nothing too skin tight that doesn't leave much to the imagination.

WOW. Now I can see the difference of Muslim Kurds and Kurds from my hometown Dersim. We have a completely different culture. If I would marry one day my Venezuelan girlfriend, she wouldn't have to worry about those things.

Good luck LindyLoo I hope u'll be OK

[Diri]

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

about how to dress, try your dress not be Un-Islamic (no need to wear scarf but cover your onarments...) that would make you more acceptable
when you see stranger men , dont hand with them...just say hello .
it is not nice to luagh louadly when there are stranger men in the room.

Re. clothes, I wore pretty much what I'd wear here but then I don't do mini-skirts and plunging necklines anyway, so I was OK. Trousers were fine, but I made sure I wore them with a long shirt/blouse and nothing too skin tight that doesn't leave much to the imagination.

WOW. Now I can see the difference of Muslim Kurds and Kurds from my hometown Dersim. We have a completely different culture. If I would marry one day my Venezuelan girlfriend, she wouldn't have to worry about those things.

Good luck LindyLoo I hope u'll be OK

Wow Jamo - you said ALL that?

Buddy - you should LEARN how to QUOTE... Now nobody knows who said what... Everybody will be either 1) CONFUSED or 2) think YOU wrote all of that!

And as for your oppinion about "Muslim Kurds" and "Kurds from my hometown" having "completely different cultures" - I don't agree...

"Decency" is the same EVERYwhere in the world... If you wear clothes like a male-prostitute, everybody will see that you are a male prostitute - anywhere in Kurdistan, Iraq, Turkey, Syria or Iran... It's EASY to tell who is what by simply looking at their clothes...

Lindyloo - sweety you should just wear your normal decent clothes... Just keep the advice written here in the back of your mind - it might come in handy... Families vary in mentality... Some are liberal and others not...

[Jamo]

my idea was not to quote anyone Diri. And yes there is a huge difference.

[Diri]

my idea was not to quote anyone Diri. And yes there is a huge difference.

Are you telling me that there is only ONE type of people in Dersîm?

You don't think that in Dersîm there are islamists, liberals, communists, atheists, fundamentalists and capitalists?

There are just a bunch of people who all act and think the same way?

[Jamo]

my idea was not to quote anyone Diri. And yes there is a huge difference.

Are you telling me that there is only ONE type of people in Dersîm?

You don't think that in Dersîm there are islamists, liberals, communists, atheists, fundamentalists and capitalists?

There are just a bunch of people who all act and think the same way?

There are Islamists but they are not originally from Dersim. Islamists are mostly from Kurdish areas like Elaziz or Erzourum. We still have a lot of communists and atheists. What I mean is people from Dersim are Alevis and have nothing to do with the culture of Kurds from Amed or other places in Kurdistan. Ezidis also have a different culture than Muslim Kurds.

[khafaf]

Let me try to help you out Linda...

1) What you buy is not that important - the thought is what counts... You should buy something for his imidiate family alone - siblings, parents and spouse of siblings....

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

3) You shouldn't worry about how to act. Just be nice, listen when people talk, even if you don't understand what they are saying - your interest will show your respect for them. Other than that be polite as you would be according to English culture. Remember to always greet new people, and people whom you see "for the first time for the day" - as in, in the morning and later in the day - if you haven't seen a person for that day - you should greet him/her with a "Silaw" and/or "Chawanî?" ("How are you" - can be used as a rhetorical question as in "hello there")...

4) Help his mother, sisters and in-laws when there is work to do in the house... You should do this descretely - leave the cleaning of places where men are [sitting] to a girl/woman of the house... Help preparing food - this is a great opurtunity for you to show your mother in-law that you are a good wife - who will look after her son and meet his needs what food is concerned [provided you are a good cook]... Pluss you will learn some new reciepies...

That's what I could think of at the moment... Some of it will be useful for you - other parts will be less so... It all depends on the situation and attitude of the family...

Diri, with all due respect, are you living in the real world? Linda, just go and be yourself, for God's sakes, don't go around covering yourself up (o.k., no hotpants either), and cleaning up after the men. they have two hands and two legs and are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Sorry Diri, my family's Kurdish, and I'm proud to say that the men can cook and clean for themselves, and other people AND they do it. Welcome to the 21st century baby

[Diri]

Let me try to help you out Linda...

1) What you buy is not that important - the thought is what counts... You should buy something for his imidiate family alone - siblings, parents and spouse of siblings....

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

3) You shouldn't worry about how to act. Just be nice, listen when people talk, even if you don't understand what they are saying - your interest will show your respect for them. Other than that be polite as you would be according to English culture. Remember to always greet new people, and people whom you see "for the first time for the day" - as in, in the morning and later in the day - if you haven't seen a person for that day - you should greet him/her with a "Silaw" and/or "Chawanî?" ("How are you" - can be used as a rhetorical question as in "hello there")...

4) Help his mother, sisters and in-laws when there is work to do in the house... You should do this descretely - leave the cleaning of places where men are [sitting] to a girl/woman of the house... Help preparing food - this is a great opurtunity for you to show your mother in-law that you are a good wife - who will look after her son and meet his needs what food is concerned [provided you are a good cook]... Pluss you will learn some new reciepies...

That's what I could think of at the moment... Some of it will be useful for you - other parts will be less so... It all depends on the situation and attitude of the family...

Diri, with all due respect, are you living in the real world? Linda, just go and be yourself, for God's sakes, don't go around covering yourself up (o.k., no hotpants either), and cleaning up after the men. they have two hands and two legs and are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Sorry Diri, my family's Kurdish, and I'm proud to say that the men can cook and clean for themselves, and other people AND they do it. Welcome to the 21st century baby

No offense to you - but since when did you become an expert on Mêrdîn and Botan?

I am guessing you are from Southern or Eastern Kurdistan... Right?

When I wrote what I wrote (which was a while ago) - it was with Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan in mind - taking into consideration my own experiences in Northern Kurdistan...

And I have to say - I am being realistic... No use trying to pretend life is SUPER modern in Northern Kurdistan when it isn't...

And I am not speaking of my own family nor my own friends... I am speaking of Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan... Not Europe... Welcome to Northern Kurdistan, baby...

[Diri]

By the way - like I also said:


You shouldn't worry about how to act.

[khafaf]

Let me try to help you out Linda...

1) What you buy is not that important - the thought is what counts... You should buy something for his imidiate family alone - siblings, parents and spouse of siblings....

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

3) You shouldn't worry about how to act. Just be nice, listen when people talk, even if you don't understand what they are saying - your interest will show your respect for them. Other than that be polite as you would be according to English culture. Remember to always greet new people, and people whom you see "for the first time for the day" - as in, in the morning and later in the day - if you haven't seen a person for that day - you should greet him/her with a "Silaw" and/or "Chawanî?" ("How are you" - can be used as a rhetorical question as in "hello there")...

4) Help his mother, sisters and in-laws when there is work to do in the house... You should do this descretely - leave the cleaning of places where men are [sitting] to a girl/woman of the house... Help preparing food - this is a great opurtunity for you to show your mother in-law that you are a good wife - who will look after her son and meet his needs what food is concerned [provided you are a good cook]... Pluss you will learn some new reciepies...

That's what I could think of at the moment... Some of it will be useful for you - other parts will be less so... It all depends on the situation and attitude of the family...

Diri, with all due respect, are you living in the real world? Linda, just go and be yourself, for God's sakes, don't go around covering yourself up (o.k., no hotpants either), and cleaning up after the men. they have two hands and two legs and are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Sorry Diri, my family's Kurdish, and I'm proud to say that the men can cook and clean for themselves, and other people AND they do it. Welcome to the 21st century baby

No offense to you - but since when did you become an expert on Mêrdîn and Botan?

I am guessing you are from Southern or Eastern Kurdistan... Right?

When I wrote what I wrote (which was a while ago) - it was with Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan in mind - taking into consideration my own experiences in Northern Kurdistan...

And I have to say - I am being realistic... No use trying to pretend life is SUPER modern in Northern Kurdistan when it isn't...

And I am not speaking of my own family nor my own friends... I am speaking of Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan... Not Europe... Welcome to Northern Kurdistan, baby...

You know absolutely nothing about me, nor will you. Just keep on putting gel on that quiff, it's gonna get you reaaaaaaaaaally far in life. So's that attitude.

[Diri]

Let me try to help you out Linda...

1) What you buy is not that important - the thought is what counts... You should buy something for his imidiate family alone - siblings, parents and spouse of siblings....

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

3) You shouldn't worry about how to act. Just be nice, listen when people talk, even if you don't understand what they are saying - your interest will show your respect for them. Other than that be polite as you would be according to English culture. Remember to always greet new people, and people whom you see "for the first time for the day" - as in, in the morning and later in the day - if you haven't seen a person for that day - you should greet him/her with a "Silaw" and/or "Chawanî?" ("How are you" - can be used as a rhetorical question as in "hello there")...

4) Help his mother, sisters and in-laws when there is work to do in the house... You should do this descretely - leave the cleaning of places where men are [sitting] to a girl/woman of the house... Help preparing food - this is a great opurtunity for you to show your mother in-law that you are a good wife - who will look after her son and meet his needs what food is concerned [provided you are a good cook]... Pluss you will learn some new reciepies...

That's what I could think of at the moment... Some of it will be useful for you - other parts will be less so... It all depends on the situation and attitude of the family...

Diri, with all due respect, are you living in the real world? Linda, just go and be yourself, for God's sakes, don't go around covering yourself up (o.k., no hotpants either), and cleaning up after the men. they have two hands and two legs and are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Sorry Diri, my family's Kurdish, and I'm proud to say that the men can cook and clean for themselves, and other people AND they do it. Welcome to the 21st century baby

No offense to you - but since when did you become an expert on Mêrdîn and Botan?

I am guessing you are from Southern or Eastern Kurdistan... Right?

When I wrote what I wrote (which was a while ago) - it was with Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan in mind - taking into consideration my own experiences in Northern Kurdistan...

And I have to say - I am being realistic... No use trying to pretend life is SUPER modern in Northern Kurdistan when it isn't...

And I am not speaking of my own family nor my own friends... I am speaking of Mêrdîn and Northern Kurdistan... Not Europe... Welcome to Northern Kurdistan, baby...

You know absolutely nothing about me, nor will you. Just keep on putting gel on that quiff, it's gonna get you reaaaaaaaaaally far in life. So's that attitude.

What???

Whoever you are or aren't - that matters nada to me...

Why do you take this personal anyway?

[LindyLoo]

Hi
Thanks for all the advice from everyone . I've been twice since I posted the original message. I wore my jeans & trousers on my first visit but although nobody commented on what I was wearing, I felt out of place compared to all the women who only wore long skirts. Everyone stared at me when we went out, whether it was because of what I was wearing or because I'm english or both, I don't know. So on my second visit I only took long skirts, I felt a lot more comfortable & not out of place then. I could also tell his parents were a lot more happy with me dressing like his sisters & sister-in-laws. Then once I married my fiance I also wore a head scarf, I hated it at first but after a couple of days I got used to it. My husband said it was my choice if I wore one or not but I could tell he prefered me too, especially if we went out or were with the elders of the family.

[Lyn]

I´m happy for you. Congratulations!

[Diri]

Thank you LindyLoo...

Realy appreciate you coming back to the forums and sharing with us...

And to a certain somebody who accused me of some stupid stuff, for you I have one thing to say: "I said so"...

Kurdistan may be something in your mind - but in reality, it's a conservative and male-dominated place...

No matter how much you love Kurdistan, you should for your own good and as well as for Kurdistans best, try to differentiate between reality vs. what you'd LIKE Kurdistan to be...

Only that way, can we improve and progress...

Thanks again Lindy Loo... Please, if you don't mind, we would be very interested in hearing more about your experiences... I am sure both Kurd and non-Kurd members of this forum would appreciate the knowledge... As would I...