What should I do?

[LindyLoo]

Hi Everyone,
Can anyone give me some advice on the following . I'm due to go to meet my boyfriends family in Turkish Kurdistan for the first time in October. I've heard that its good to give gifts. I would love to do this but as my boyfriends family is large, I will be limited as to what I can spend on each person & space in my suitcase will also be limited. What sort of thing would be suitable for his parents? I thought of maybe a necklace for his mother but I have no idea for his father. I would also like to buy for his brothers & sisters & their spouses, what would you suggest . One of his brothers is only 14 years old, what would be nice for him?
I shall be going to Mardin, but the only flights I can find from London are first to Istanbul, then Ankara, then Mardin which takes a long long time. Does anyone know of a company which does a more direct route? I have found a route with Turkish Airlines that goes from London to Istanbul then Diyarbakir, which takes less time. Is Diyarbakir a long way from Mardin?
I'd be grateful for any advice.

[Lyn]

Hi Everyone,
Can anyone give me some advice on the following . I'm due to go to meet my boyfriends family in Turkish Kurdistan for the first time in October. I've heard that its good to give gifts. I would love to do this but as my boyfriends family is large, I will be limited as to what I can spend on each person & space in my suitcase will also be limited. What sort of thing would be suitable for his parents? I thought of maybe a necklace for his mother but I have no idea for his father. I would also like to buy for his brothers & sisters & their spouses, what would you suggest . One of his brothers is only 14 years old, what would be nice for him?
I shall be going to Mardin, but the only flights I can find from London are first to Istanbul, then Ankara, then Mardin which takes a long long time. Does anyone know of a company which does a more direct route? I have found a route with Turkish Airlines that goes from London to Istanbul then Diyarbakir, which takes less time. Is Diyarbakir a long way from Mardin?
I'd be grateful for any advice.

I doubt I´ll be of much help. Have you thought about asking your boyfriend what he thinks his father & siblings would like for a gift?
I think Diyarbakır is around 90 kilometres away from Mardin. I hope someone else here will give you more useful information.

[LindyLoo]

Hi Lyn
I did ask my boyfriend what to buy his parents but he just says " No, its ok don't worry, you just be nice to my family & they will love you" which of course I will be, but as I speak no Kurdish & they speak no English we will not be able to make such an easy connection. Therefore I will have to impress them in other ways, so if anyone has any hints on how to act in their house, ie.. dresscode, helping with household chores etc... I would be grateful. At first his mother was not happy with him marrying me . I don't know if it is because I've been married before, or I have 2 children already, or I'm english or maybe because I'm 7 years older than him. Its probably all of them added together, not got much going for me have I? I'm not what she visioned for her son, I suppose. However she has now accepted that he loves me & she wants him to make his own choices, so I have much respect for her for that, as not all Kurdish mothers would agree to this. The family all now want to meet me, so its vital that I make a very good impression. I really want my boyfriends family to accept me. I don't want to put my boyfriend in a position of having to choose between us, as he loves his family dearly & I fear I might lose.
Bye for now.........

[abdur]

My parents who recently came back from Kurdistan travelled via Kiziltepe (Qoser in kurdish) to Istanbul to Amsterdam by airplane.. Kiziltepe is very close to the city of Mardin.

What sort of thing would be suitable for his parents? I thought of maybe a necklace for his mother but I have no idea for his father.

Clothes like a blouse.

Don't worry too much about the family, im sure they will all love you.

[AlbaSaab]

Hi Lyn
I did ask my boyfriend what to buy his parents but he just says " No, its ok don't worry, you just be nice to my family & they will love you" which of course I will be, but as I speak no Kurdish & they speak no English we will not be able to make such an easy connection. Therefore I will have to impress them in other ways, so if anyone has any hints on how to act in their house, ie.. dresscode, helping with household chores etc... I would be grateful. At first his mother was not happy with him marrying me . I don't know if it is because I've been married before, or I have 2 children already, or I'm english or maybe because I'm 7 years older than him. Its probably all of them added together, not got much going for me have I? I'm not what she visioned for her son, I suppose. However she has now accepted that he loves me & she wants him to make his own choices, so I have much respect for her for that, as not all Kurdish mothers would agree to this. The family all now want to meet me, so its vital that I make a very good impression. I really want my boyfriends family to accept me. I don't want to put my boyfriend in a position of having to choose between us, as he loves his family dearly & I fear I might lose.
Bye for now.........

If you fear that you might lose, may I ask why you are marrying him?

[LindyLoo]

Hi AlbaSaab
I want to marry him because I love him very much, there's something very special to me about him, something I've never found in any previous relationships. We clicked instantly. It's just that Kurdish families have such a big influence on each others decisions, they seem to need each others blessing in their lifes. Its something I need to get used to as I don't have a close relationship with my mother & my father ran off when I was a baby, I've never met him. So I've never had seek my parents blessing for anything. I've never asked him if he had to choose, what he would do, I don't think that would be fair. I think it would be like taking a fish away from water, eventually it will die.
Bye..........for now.

[dyaoko]

for his 14 year old brother , I suggest something Electronic , like a gameboy ,a walkman or a camera ...

for his father, I suggest "the thing which makes fire for cigaret" (sorry I dont know the english word for you) , in general for an old man, I would suggest something small but something which he can carry al the time.

I am really happy that you have found your love , it is very nice , I wish a successfull and happy life for you .

I also suggest you to give his familly a BIG picture of you and your boyfriend together, so they stick on their wall .I know a kurd boy who has married to a german, his mother has a photo of them on their wall and talks to them all the time by that photo and shows it to everybody.

[Diri]

Let me try to help you out Linda...

1) What you buy is not that important - the thought is what counts... You should buy something for his imidiate family alone - siblings, parents and spouse of siblings....

2) You should make sure to wear decent clothes, not revealing skin other than hands/lower arms, feet and head/neck... If this is a conservative family, you should wear skirts and not trousers... Just to be sure, you should on the day of arrival wear a skirt - and decide later (with your impression of the family) wether or not you should wear trousers... Although I don't think you should wear trousers at all - because in their eyes a mother should wear decent clothes - and trousers are too "sexy" down there...

3) You shouldn't worry about how to act. Just be nice, listen when people talk, even if you don't understand what they are saying - your interest will show your respect for them. Other than that be polite as you would be according to English culture. Remember to always greet new people, and people whom you see "for the first time for the day" - as in, in the morning and later in the day - if you haven't seen a person for that day - you should greet him/her with a "Silaw" and/or "Chawanî?" ("How are you" - can be used as a rhetorical question as in "hello there")...

4) Help his mother, sisters and in-laws when there is work to do in the house... You should do this descretely - leave the cleaning of places where men are [sitting] to a girl/woman of the house... Help preparing food - this is a great opurtunity for you to show your mother in-law that you are a good wife - who will look after her son and meet his needs what food is concerned [provided you are a good cook]... Pluss you will learn some new reciepies...

That's what I could think of at the moment... Some of it will be useful for you - other parts will be less so... It all depends on the situation and attitude of the family...

[dyaoko]

I also suggest you to learn some small kurdish sentences , (memorize things which u want to say and say them in kurdish....) , remember in Kurdish culture you have to use "Thank You" a lot ... for example you want water jar and ask it ...when they give it you ...say "Spas"

and you have to say hello , every morning ...[say Roj Bash which means Good morning]

about how to dress, try your dress not be Un-Islamic (no need to wear scarf but cover your onarments...) that would make you more acceptable
when you see stranger men , dont hand with them...just say hello .
it is not nice to luagh louadly when there are stranger men in the room.

there they may not be as Clean as europeans ... for example you may see three person use the same glass for water on lunch... so make yourself ready for these things so you dont be shocked at that time

and try to be Relax and have a Smile on face all the time , Good luck and please tell us about it after your travel to kurdistan...I like to know the outcome

[dyaoko]

also make yourself ready to sit and sleep and eat on carpet (there may not be chair or table there)
it is a bit hard for europeans to Sit in the way that we sit on floor ,
(ask your BF how to sit , some of kind of sitting is impolite while there is an OLDER person in the room)

and most horrible part for you , may be using islamic toilet which is hard ... [sorry I dont have a solution for this]

[Piling]

also make yourself ready to sit and sleep and eat on carpet (there may not be chair or table there)
it is a bit hard for europeans to Sit in the way that we sit on floor ,
(ask your BF how to sit , some of kind of sitting is impolite while there is an OLDER person in the room)

and most horrible part for you , may be using islamic toilet which is hard ... [sorry I dont have a solution for this]

Very good advice : SMILE all the time and show that you love this people.

And for the toilet he he, in France we have an advantage, in cafes we have islamic toilet that we call "Turkish WC"... And for eating on the floor, very easy if you are not afraid to spoil the bottom of your trousers with tomatoes (of course don't wear mini-skirt).

For the gift, why you don't ask to your boy friend ? He knows his family, who likes it or not etc.

And don't forget that if you are shy to met them, perhaps they are more in trouble... Kurds are shy people in fact, until the point they understand that you love them... Because it is the more important for them : if you love Kurds or not, and they are like cats : they feel sincere or unsincere people !

But be sure that if they feel that they won't "lost" their boy by marrying you it would be ok.

[Lyn]

Hi Lyn
I did ask my boyfriend what to buy his parents but he just says " No, its ok don't worry, you just be nice to my family & they will love you" which of course I will be, but as I speak no Kurdish & they speak no English we will not be able to make such an easy connection. Therefore I will have to impress them in other ways, so if anyone has any hints on how to act in their house, ie.. dresscode, helping with household chores etc... I would be grateful. At first his mother was not happy with him marrying me . I don't know if it is because I've been married before, or I have 2 children already, or I'm english or maybe because I'm 7 years older than him. Its probably all of them added together, not got much going for me have I? I'm not what she visioned for her son, I suppose. However she has now accepted that he loves me & she wants him to make his own choices, so I have much respect for her for that, as not all Kurdish mothers would agree to this. The family all now want to meet me, so its vital that I make a very good impression. I really want my boyfriends family to accept me. I don't want to put my boyfriend in a position of having to choose between us, as he loves his family dearly & I fear I might lose.
Bye for now.........

I wouldn´t worry about it. Your boyfriend will be able to translate what they ask you. I can understand your concern, as a language barrier can be frustrating. I suggest you think postive though. It will give you motivation to learn Kurmancî. I think his mother is concerned about what is best for him. She hasn´t met you and doesn´t know what to expect. I would just be yourself and dress modestly, and see what happens.

[Evin]

Hi Lindyloo,

Having just returned from Kurdistan (and a visit to the in-laws) I hope I can help put your mind at rest a little. I'm English too and believe me, they'll be just as worried and nervous about meeting you as you are about meeting them... my in-laws were terrified that I wouldn't accept them when I married my husband, it works both ways!

Most of the advice I would give has already been covered re. presents, what to wear etc, I can only re-iterate what's already been said. Most Kurdish guys smoke (and that's no exaggeration) so a lighter for the father and brothers would be suitable. I always buy make-up/cosmetics for all the girls, the sets they do with all the creams etc. will go down a treat, girls are girls after all and we all like pampering! For the kids/teens, definitely electronics or even football shirts, that kind of thing.

Re. clothes, I wore pretty much what I'd wear here but then I don't do mini-skirts and plunging necklines anyway, so I was OK. Trousers were fine, but I made sure I wore them with a long shirt/blouse and nothing too skin tight that doesn't leave much to the imagination. Use your common sense Linda, if you think it might not be appropriate, it probably isn't and of course, each family differs, mine are quite religious, yours may not be.

I totally agree with Piling's advice, smile and smile a lot, we're all human after all and a smile goes a long way, particularly when there's a language barrier. Lots of smiles, thank you's and offers of help.

I'm sure you'll be fine, my only concern is that you've only known each other such a very short time, talk of marriage after just 4 months together would worry most families, Kurdish or not, it would certainly worry me if my son announced he was marrying someone he'd just met, so bear that in mind, they're concerned because they love their son, not because they hate you, their reaction is perfectly normal.

Don't worry, be yourself and well, listen and learn, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, you'll soon pick up what's appropriate and above all, have a fantastic time, I'm certain you will x

[LindyLoo]

Thankyou, so much everyone for all the wonderful advice. But now you've got me panicking about the toilet , are they like the french ones inbedded into the floor? Do they have showers or baths in their homes? If not this would be my biggest hurdle as I love having a shower each day. Do they not have table & chairs because they can't afford them or just that they don't see them as a necessity? I think lighters for cigarettes would be a very good idea, I've thought about having their names ingraved on them to make them more personal. I will get cosmetics for the girls & maybe a nice silk scarf for his mother, do you think that would be ok? I also thought about eletronics for the 14 year old, but thought the cost of keep replacing batteries may become a problem, therefore maybe a football shirt would be better. Do you think an England shirt would be ok, if not which one would you suggest? You've all been a great help & certainly opened my eyes to some of the things I never expected.
Bye.......for now

[Evin]

I knew we'd get down to the nitty-gritty real important issues such as discussing toilets, lol! I didn't have that problem Linda, my family have the western type, as do lots of homes but I guess that's a question you really need to put to your boyfriend!

That said, I have used the flat types in other countries in the Middle East and to be honest, they're not a problem, once you get used to them, if you think about it, they're actually far more hygienic.

As for showers/baths, I don't think you need to concern yourself on that score, the majority of Kurds I know are obsessively clean (far more than most English people I know!). They take care of their homes, their clothes and their person (like most Muslims they also wash after 'using the bathroom'), so I wouldn't worry about hygiene at all. I think it's safe to say that most homes have showers too, if not baths.

I think it'd be lovely if you got the lighters engraved but you'd need to be careful with spelling, perhaps their initials would suffice and yes, cosmetics and a scarf sound just the ticket for Mum and sisters. I'm sure an England shirt would be suitable or why not ask your boyfriend what team he supports, most Kurdish kids support an English team in the Premiership... usually Arsenal (groan!).

Hope that helps Linda, if you want to ask me anything more, feel free to send me a PM.... now stop worrying and start looking forward to your visit, if you don't get spoilt rotten and love every minute I'll eat my hat!